Seeking Wisdom From A Toddler - Dad's Don't Babysit

Dear Chloe,

I can’t help myself at times as I look for ways to help bring that sparkle to your eyes, knowing full well that in the end, only you can light the flame. Even on your “off” days, your flame never seems to fade away. I love your zest for life.

Tonight your flame burned bright with passion, and powerful conviction. It’s Thursday Feb 4, 2016. Every Thursday daddy takes you on a daddy - daughter date. On the car ride over to Smitty’s, you managed to cleverly convince daddy to make one very significant stop. You began a conversation with him as you normally do, by getting his attention with eye contact in the rear view mirror. He glances over at you from time to time, where you sit happily bouncing your head, to daddy’s heavy metal music in the background. I adore you both so much. You often stare at the side of his handsome face while he’s driving, trying to gauge his reactions, from every word that comes out of your mouth. You are precise with your points, and they are always well thought out.

Today you opened up an interesting debate, with a brilliant close. You went on to explain how hard you’ve worked on transitioning all by yourself, from pull ups, to big girl underwear, and that you felt this personal achievement deserved a special shopping adventure for Dora The Explorer underwear.

A proud moment indeed. You have effectively mastered your negotiation skills and figured out how to argue/justify the rational behind your claim. Even more importantly, is that your highly spirited self has determined on your own timeline when you were ready to no longer have any use for pull ups. My dear Chloe, I don’t know how much you will remember about early childhood, but I hope you will always remember feeling and knowing you were/are loved and respected by us.

There are a few things we want you to know as well. We want you to know that we never sleep trained you or went with the cry it method because it didn’t feel right for you or for us. Instead we co slept with you, and quite frankly we still do, as you often wake up multiple times a night, and most of the time you sit up, look around and see that both daddy and mommy are sleeping next to you, and you go right back to sleep. Daddy and I took hourly shifts in baby wearing you every day, because you were most relaxed and happy being next to our beating hearts. We never potty trained you either. We figured when you were interested you would let us know, and that’s exactly how it happened. Around 18 months old you were in the bath tub, stood up quickly, and asked for me to help you onto the toilet for the first time to do a number 2. From 18 months up until now (turning 3 yrs old on Feb 17, 2016) you have selectively used the toilet. A few people told us that you should be toilet trained before you go to preschool next year, but we ignored their advice, because like everything, we don’t believe on putting pressure on you or “training” you for anything that you do not want to learn for yourself. We never bribed you or used rewards or punishment. Although a few times I will admit that daddy and I desperately needed sleep, so from time to time, we would offer an ice cream trip to your favorite ice cream place if you took a nap.

Like everything in your life, we have always trusted you, and your ability to let us know when you were ready for change or attempting/mastering something new. You were eager to be mobile since birth, and this was evident when you first rolled over onto your stomach only a few hours old in the hospital. We figured this was just a random fluke because the nurse told us babies don’t roll over from back to stomach until around 4 months old. Well, she was surprisingly wrong about that. On the third day, after you and I were cleared to go home from the hospital you decided you wanted to try out this rolling over thing a few more times on our living room couch, and not because I gave you tummy time, or helped you to roll over. At 4 months old, you decided that staying in one spot wasn’t for you, so you began to curiously crawl around wherever your little legs and arms would take you, and not because we bribed you with a toy a few feet away. At 9 months old you decided you wanted to walk, and not because we assisted you or encouraged you to walk. You walked because there was always something within your eye sight or reach that you needed to investigate so you trusted your legs to take you there. Your thirst for exploring never ends, at 10 months old you realized you could get to places so much faster when you began to run.

But this isn’t why we are proud of you, because we never believed in putting any arbitrary limit or timeline for when you are “supposed” to hit developmental mile stones. I wonder how much you will remember from when you were little. Will you remember how Daddy would lay next to you, and whisper a story in your ear, while I nursed you until you gently wean at 2.6 years old. We trusted that you would determine when you wanted to end our nursing relationship. Thank you for giving me that special bonding time in nursing you. Despite “so called” experts and well intention friends advice, baby wearing, co sleeping, nursing beyond 1 years old, didn’t create a clingy, insecure child.

We think your record for pursing things in life and seeking wisdom, seems to be off to a healthy start and not because you hit certain milestones by a certain age, but because it has always been on your terms, when you were ready. You are so brave, independent, adventurous, confident, self aware, borderline - dangerously, a thrill seeker. You are so much like daddy. You are your father’s daughter. But these are not the reasons why I am so proud of you.

Today was one of those special moments where you reminded daddy and I, how capable and confident you are. During your adventure shopping for new underwear at Walmart, you managed to pick out 13 pairs. You were so excited, you wouldn’t even let daddy help you with holding them. As you stopped to pick up one or two that fell out of your little arms, you tightly clenched onto them walking through the aisle’s and patiently waited in line to pay for them. When daddy handed over his money to pay for your fabulous Dora underwear, the female cashier smiled, and then said something that blatantly puzzled you. You were holding up your new underwear as high as your arms would go, for her to reach down and individually ring them through. You made it clear that you were not parting with these well earned new underwear. She was a nice lady, admiring how proud and happy you were she spoke to you and said “Oh how cute, daddy is a babysitting you”. You instantly made that face that you make when you feel someone says something that makes no sense. You raised your eyebrows like you always do when you disapprove, and something sounds absolutely ridiculous to you. You scrunched up your nose in a matter of fact fashion, and replied, “That’s not my babysitter that’s my dad, my dad doesn’t’ babysit me, that’s silly.”

My lovely daughter, daddy and I are so proud of you. We are inspired by your integrity, confidence and honesty. I love that you see daddy and I as equals in this parenting journey. I love that some nights you ask for daddy to read to you and other nights you ask for me to tuck you in. I love that some days you want daddy to play the drums with you and other days you want to learn how to make home made french fries with me. I love that when you are scared you want to be in daddy’s arms because daddy’s muscles and strength makes you feel safe and secure. I love that when we go snowboarding, only daddy is allowed to touch your snowboarding gear because you’ve established a special bonding moment that is tied to you and him in learning how to snowboard. I love when you break something or spill something your not afraid to tell either of us because you know we will help you clean it up together. I love when you are feeling sad, or mad or frustrated you are comfortable talking to both of us because you know we will support you and help you work through those feelings. I love that when you are hurt you go to either of us for comfort. I love that you trust me to wash your hair, and trust daddy to cut your finger nails. I love that the only thing daddy couldn’t do as a parent was nurse you, and that didn’t stop the two of you from bonding in so many other ways. I love that daddy has this unique ability to inspire you. I love when you are happy and say “group hug” you want to hug daddy and mommy together. I love how you show us with kisses, hugs, cuddles how important we both are to you. I love that you think of us equally, trusting us in being capable of nurturing all your needs.

I am so enlightened every time I take a step back and seek your wisdom. You are exactly where you are supposed to be in this moment. Everything is perfect. In each moment that you witness ignorance, injustice, inequality, gender bias, shaming, bullying, spanking, hitting, smacking, you define yourself. You make a choice of what you want and what you don’t, what you like and what you don’t like, what you will accept and what you will not accept, what you feel is right and what is wrong.

This is why we are so proud of you.

Life is about the journey, with all its bumps in the road you have taught me so much in your 3 years thus far. I marvel with delight each time I am privy to a moment where I get to witness you work your magic. When you speak up (knowingly or unknowingly) to something you feel is wrong, I admire you. Gosh who knew one could have so much respect for someone so little and young? Who knew I could seek wisdom from a toddler? These lessons, and life experiences with you fills me with an overwhelming burst of awe on how you make the world such a better place. You feel everything to the core of your being. You are aware when you witness ignorance, hatred, physical punishment, injustice, yelling, shaming and when gender bias presents itself. You take a stance in speaking up for what you believe is unjust. We hope we can continue to offer you opportunities on how to connect to your true self and help you be the little confident person you desire to be.

We love and admire you so much. I hope you will forgive our imperfections along the way and that you will learn that we are all a work in progress. We will always support you.

It’s those hidden gems of a moment, which is so often found in the twinkle of your eyes or in your sense of wronging a right, that I am aware how lucky it is to be invited to take part in.