I am cut-off from my grandkids because of tension with my daughter-in-law. Should I let go? | Ask Rebecca

Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.

How can my wife and I reunite with our grandchildren?

Our son married his wife a few years ago and have brought two beautiful babies into the world. Unfortunately, due to tensions between my wife and my daughter-in-law, we have not yet met our second grandchild.

We can tell that our son is struggling with feeling caught in the middle between supporting his wife and wanting his children to have a relationship with their grandparents.

My wife and I have tried on several occasions to mend the relationship with our daughter-in-law, but we have been constantly rebuffed and ignored.

What else can we do to find a way to move forward and create a more positive family dynamic? Should we lean on our son to be more assertive with his wife?

Or is this something that we should let go of?

A Concerned Grandfather

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I have tremendous compassion for what you’re going through. There are few things more heartbreaking than grandparents who desperately want a relationship with their grandchildren and are refused access.

What strikes me is that you don’t sound angry or vengeful. You sound like someone who genuinely wants to fix this situation.

Should you “let go”? No. Absolutely not. People “let go” of New Year’s resolutions, dead flowers or, in my case, the perfect pair of sunglasses accidentally left in an Uber a year ago.

I happen to believe the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is one of the most special relationships there is, built on unconditional love and the kind of spoiling that makes you wonder where this version of your parents was when you were growing up.

What you’re describing isn’t just frustration but grief. You’re grieving birthdays you missed, first steps, memories you didn’t get to make.

Before everyone sends angry emails, I fully acknowledge times when toxic grandparents deserve to be cut off. This doesn’t sound like that.

Full disclosure: I am living proof you do not have to like someone to respect their “role” in your child’s life. I have no contact with my son’s grandmother, my ex-MIL. None. Zero. If I saw her, I’d run away so quickly, I’d probably pull a hamstring. But it never once occurred to me to stop my son from having a relationship with her.

So, let’s talk about your son. There’s no polite way of saying this. Your son needs to man-up. Your letter paints him as a helpless bystander. Here’s where I may become wildly unpopular, because I’m not sure I buy that.

You write you can “tell” your son is struggling. Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t. Maybe he has chosen a side and simply doesn’t know how to tell you.

Your son’s first loyalty is probably to his wife. That’s not a judgment. That’s a marriage. He lives with her, raises children with her and shares a life with her.

Although many men would rather walk barefoot across a roomful of Lego pieces than have an adult conversation, your son is an adult. And adults need to have difficult conversations, especially if the people they love are hurting.

Summon your son immediately. Not for a casual visit, but for a private, calm and honest conversation. Tell him exactly how you’re feeling: that you’re heartbroken, that you miss seeing your grandchildren, and that you’re scared of losing years you’ll never get back.

Say, ”I love you. I love your wife. I love my grandchildren. I don’t want to fight. But I need you to be truthful with us about what is happening and what we can do to repair this relationship.” Then really listen, don’t defend, explain, interrupt or prepare a rebuttal while he’s talking.

Your son should be able to tell you: “My wife is upset about this. Here’s what needs to happen before she’s willing to move forward. Here’s what I can realistically do to help foster a relationship with the grandkids.”

Before you ask for everything, the right thing to do is to ask for something — weekly FaceTime calls with the grandchildren, a short walk with them, for photos and videos to be sent to you. There is a wide middle ground between “everyone spends a week vacationing at the cottage” and “grandparents who never get to see their grandchildren.”

You must tell him, “We can live with you or your wife being upset with us. What we can’t live with is not seeing our grandchildren without understanding why.” Then leave the ball in his court.

Being loyal to his wife should not require him to block you from his children’s lives. The longer you allow him to avoid addressing this, the more entrenched everyone becomes.

Summon. Him. Now.

And do not “let go”. Keep sending presents. Keep reaching out on milestones. Keep loving your grandchildren from whatever distance currently exists.

One day, your grandchildren may ask, “Why did we never see you?” Make sure your answer isn’t “We let go.” For your own sanity, you want to be able to answer, “We never stopped loving you. We never stopped hoping. And we never stopped being here.”

And if your son is reading this, I have one final message: Children watch. One day, they’ll learn how families handle conflict by watching how you handled this one.

Love, Rebecca

Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. She has no formal qualifications for this, other than a lifetime of questionable decisions and excellent stories.

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