A former friend who was cruel to me will be at a weekend reunion. How do I handle? | Ask Rebecca

Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.

I’m a 30-year-old woman facing a situation that’s causing me more anxiety than I’d like to admit. In a few weeks, I’ll be attending a destination milestone birthday party for a mutual friend, and for the first time in almost three years, I’ll be seeing someone I once considered one of my closest friends. We were friends from the age of 12.

During a night of heavy drinking, she launched into a cruel tirade aimed at me and another friend. She’s married with two children; we were both single at the time. She called us pathetic for still being single, told my friend that no man would ever want a single mother, and essentially suggested that our lives were somehow lesser because we didn’t have husbands and families. Obviously, we cut her off after this! There was no meaningful apology, no resolution, and honestly, I don’t care to repair the friendship.

Now I’m wondering how to handle seeing her again. I want to be polite because this event isn’t about us. I don’t want drama. I don’t want a confrontation. But I also don’t want to pretend everything is fine or get pulled into some emotional conversation about “what happened.” My biggest concern is that once a few drinks are involved, I might let my guard down. — Not Looking for a Reunion

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I knew exactly where your letter was headed the moment you mentioned an open bar and a former best friend. Two things that rarely end with everyone making good decisions.

I actually think we all spend way too much time rehearsing these encounters, imagining every possible conversation, witty comeback, awkward silence and reality-television-worthy confrontations.

It’s amazing how one name on a guest list can have you planning your entrance, escape routes and bathroom breaks, and wondering whether hiding under the dessert table will be a reasonable option.

Your anxiety makes sense because you’re anticipating uncertainty. Will she pretend nothing happened? Will she apologize? Will she blame alcohol? Will someone suggest a group photo? The thing is, we usually spend weeks imagining these encounters only for them to last about three awkward minutes.

I noticed that you’re not asking how to repair the friendship. You’ve already made that decision, and it sounds like a healthy one.

The fact that you’re anxious means you’re anticipating being in the presence of someone who hurt you. Your former friend didn’t just say something insensitive after one too many drinks. She reduced your worth to your relationship status. Being drunk explains why the filter disappeared but doesn’t magically invent opinions.

As someone who’s spent decades writing about relationships, I can say there is no gold medal for getting married first. And if marriage automatically made people happy, I’d be out of a job.

Instead of trying to predict her behaviour, ask yourself, “What kind of person do I want to be at this event?” You answered that. You want to be gracious to your mutual friend, avoid drama and maintain your dignity.

Frankly, your mission is gloriously simple. Celebrate your mutual friend.

The right thing to do is treat your former friend the way I treat a stranger sitting beside me on a plane. A smile. Maybe. Then I put on my headphones.

If she comes over, say hi, then excuse yourself. You don’t owe her a heart-to-heart between cocktails and karaoke.

If she wants to discuss the past, calmly say, “This is not the right time or place. I’m here to celebrate our friend.”

If she apologizes? Say, “Thank you. I appreciate it,” and then continue circulating like you’re at Costco. Grab what you came for and keep the cart moving.

If she keeps pushing? That’s your cue to immediately become fascinated by the appetizers, a need to take photos of the sunset or suddenly need another drink.

Which brings me to the actual problem. Not her. You. More specifically, Tipsy-You.

You’re worried about what you might say after a few drinks. You’re self-aware enough to realize it might be you who accidentally wanders into, “Well, since we’re both here…”

Don’t.

Have fun but know thyself. We all have that magical drink number where we suddenly think, “This seems like the perfect time to unpack three years of unresolved feelings.”

Your anxiety is reminding you that alcohol can make it harder to stick to your boundaries. P lan for the version of yourself you’re worried about. That might mean setting a drink limit, alternating with sparkling water or sticking close to friends who know exactly why you’re giving them that look.

This isn’t a reunion. It’s a birthday party. Whether she apologizes, ignores you or acts as though nothing happened, you still get to decide who you are and be civil from a distance — like very far away.

Go laugh. Dance badly. Take ridiculous photos. Eat cake. Have a wonderful weekend. And may your biggest regret be the shoes you wore.

Love, Rebecca

Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists.

Have a question for Rebecca? Email NPadvice@postmedia.com or send your question anonymously by clicking here.

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