A Modest Proposal of Marriage

So The Wife and I were out for a stroll today and stopped by the Union Street Cafe. While ordering, I asked our barista about the origin of their street name. She didn’t know. But that got me thinking of the possibilities. This being Ottawa, was it to commemorate the union of Upper and Lower Canada into the Province of Canada? Could it be to remember the day Lowertown’s French and Irish set aside their brickbats and shillelaghs and united against the dastardly Order of Orange? Then it came to me. Could Union Street have been named after the most important, far-reaching association of all? The one which touches the lives of all Canadians, coast to coast to coast? I speak of the Hallowed Union between the Liberal Party of Canada and the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers.

Now a union of this magnitude should be marked by more than just a street name, so I herewith propose to celebrate the merger with this Act of Parliament:

An Act to Formally Marry the Liberal Party of Canada (alias The Libs) and the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers (alias CAPP)

- whereas their bond is stronger than the Paris Agreement on Climate Change

- whereas CAPP has been an exceedingly generous contributor to the Libs for many years

- whereas the Libs have repaid CAPP in myriad ways, including but not limited to:

- the surprise purchase of the Trans Mountain Pipeline at taxpayer expense (enough of a surprise to make us choke on our Cheerios!)

- the trampling over First Nations rights while building said pipeline on unceded land

- the acceptance of egregious risks to Canadian ecosystems while operating dilbit pipelines

- the unflagging support Libs have shown for the sale of raw bitumen to foreign interests at the cost of Canadian jobs

Be it resolved that the Parliament of Canada hereby sanctifies and proclaims this Holy Union.

To be sure, both parties that have formed federal governments have had intimate relations with the groom. Kevin Taft, Alberta’s former Leader of the Opposition, provides evidence in his book Oil’s Deep State: David Emerson, elected in 2006 as a Liberal, then oh-so-quickly crossing the floor, was a founding director of the discredited Energy Policy Institute of Canada (EPIC). EPIC was a Trojan horse linked to some of CAPP’s largest energy corporations. Bruce Carson, former senior adviser to Stephen Harper, was tried and found guilty in 2016 of lobbying public officials for EPIC, in contravention of the Lobbying Act. In a police interview, it was revealed that “EPIC’s goal was to develop an energy strategy for Canada”. And you thought that was the responsibility of government? Pshaw! New Brunswick Premier Frank McKenna later became co-chair of EPIC.

But pipelines need permitting, so I say we can’t get these two kids hitched soon enough! There are whispers that the groom has been drilling without license in other jurisdictions, but the bride seems not to mind. So it looks like this will be an open marriage. Because at the PMO, it’s all about the emoluments. Already there are rumours of a love-child, secreted away at 24 Sussex. Alas, your humble scribe’s proposal has lost all modesty. I blush.

There will be little difficulty in getting this bill passed, although the Conservatives can be expected to kick, always having considered themselves CAPP’s favourite girl. (Jealousy can be such an ugly sentiment).

Once the bill passes, there will be a cake cutting and methane-filled balloons for dignitaries and a photo-op in front of the Eternal Flame. We’ll need to time the thing for after spring flooding and tornado and forest fire season, once the air has cleared up a bit. Say, November?

Oh, and about that cafe: Great coffee, nice shady seating outside, a real gem. But The Mrs. would like to keep it our little secret, so I’m not giving out the location.