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I love my boyfriend and our life together, except for one big thing. Is it a deal-breaker? | Ask Rebecca
Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.
Dear Rebecca,I love my boyfriend, but he needs to get a job — what do I do? We are both 27 and have been together since we were 19. We share an apartment, a dog and many of the same interests and friends. I love the life we’ve built together. The only problem is that he doesn’t have a job. Since graduating, he’s bounced between a few different positions, but for the last two and a half years, he hasn’t really worked.
He still pays for his share of everything but is dipping into his savings to do so. While at home, he does cook and clean, which I appreciate, but my job doesn’t pay enough for me to be the breadwinner, let alone the sole income, which I’ve told him.
At this stage of my life, I’m ready for marriage and kids, and it’s starting to feel like I’m moving toward these goals without him. He tells me he wants to get married, but I’m afraid to take that step until he has a job.
He says he’s applying for jobs, but after two and a half years with nothing to show for it, I’m struggling to believe that he’s making a serious effort. I love him and don’t want to throw away an eight-year relationship, but I’m starting to wonder whether this is a sign that we’re no longer on the same path. I’m also afraid that my trust in his work ethic is now tainted.
How do I know whether to keep being patient or accept that this may never change? — Frustrated Girlfriend
Dear Frustrated Girlfriend,Before we get into your boyfriend’s employment status, let’s talk about how you signed your letter. You didn’t sign it “Hopeful Girlfriend” or “Patient Girlfriend.” You signed it, Frustrated . That tells me you’ve been carrying this around for a while. And that kind of uncertainty is as exhausting as watching a flight get delayed over and over. It’s not the delay that’s exhausting; it’s not knowing whether you’ll ever take off.
If you don’t know whether anything is ever going to change and lose trust as a result, that’s a very lonely place to live. Trust me, I’ve lived there.
As someone who has been the breadwinner in more than one relationship, I can tell you money itself was rarely the problem. It was what the money represented. Was I carrying the load temporarily or indefinitely? Was my partner actively trying to get back on their feet or had I become the financial airbag? Worse, I quietly stopped feeling like I had a partner at all.
To be fair, your boyfriend doesn’t sound like a bad guy. He contributes financially. He cooks. He cleans. He isn’t lying on the couch playing video games 18 hours a day, smoking weed, demanding you support him. Those things matter. But so does the fact that he’s been unemployed for two and a half years.
At 27, careers take detours. People burn out. They realize they chose the wrong profession. There is no shame in changing careers at 27, 37 or even 57. But two and a half years is no longer a detour. It’s a lifestyle.
And that’s where resentment quietly moves in.
Financial resentment is one of the fastest-growing weeds in a relationship. It starts small. You tell yourself you’re being supportive, that it’s temporary, that they’re trying. Then one day you realize you’re keeping score. Who paid for dinner? The vacation? The hydro bill? Why are you suddenly the CEO, CFO and Head of Future Planning for a relationship that was supposed to have two adults in it?
The sentence that jumped out at me was, “I’m ready for marriage and kids, and it feels like I’m moving toward these goals without him.” Y ou aren’t asking whether he’ll get a job. You’re asking whether he’s capable of building the life you want beside you.
Unemployment itself usually isn’t what breaks relationships. Limbo does. Limbo is fun at weddings, but a terrible way to live your life.
Many women in your situation, at any age, aren’t asking for perfection. They’re asking for momentum. Like, “I’ve enrolled in school” or “I’m switching careers” or “I’m seeing a career counsellor. Those are plans. “Something will work out” — that’s a wish.
If I were sitting across from you over coffee, I’d tell you to stop talking about jobs and start talking about the future. The right thing to do is say, “I love you. I want a future with you. But I’m not comfortable getting married or having children until we’re both actively working toward that future. What does the next six months actually look like?” Notice that you’re asking for a plan, not a promise.
Maybe he’ll surprise you. Maybe he’ll tell you what’s really been going on. Maybe he’s been quietly drowning in anxiety or shame and didn’t know how to say it.
Or maybe he’ll give vague answers, change the subject or ask you to “just trust him.”
Love is important. Unfortunately, love doesn’t pay daycare fees, orthodontist bills, surprise vet visits on holiday weekends or the endless parade of expenses adulthood throws at us.
I wouldn’t walk away from an eight-year relationship without first having one honest conversation and giving him the opportunity to show — not tell — you that change is coming. After two and a half years, words have probably done all they can do.
And if nothing has changed six months from now, you’ll have your answer. Love deserves a chance. But it shouldn’t get unlimited extensions.
Love, RebeccaRebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. She has no formal qualifications for this, other than a lifetime of questionable decisions and excellent stories.
Have a question for Rebecca? Email NPadvice@postmedia.com or send your question anonymously by clicking here.
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